Understanding Defensiveness in a Couple's Relationship
- Dr. Hermina Szeles
- Jul 3
- 3 min read
Why We Defend Ourselves - and How to Stop Getting Stuck?
Defensiveness is one of the most common and damaging patterns in couple relationships. It shows up in subtle ways: a quick retort, a need to correct the other person, or a shift in focus from what your partner feels to how you feel instead. While it may seem like a natural reflex, defensiveness often derails meaningful conversations and fuels disconnection.
In its simplest form, defensiveness is a form of self-protection. When we feel blamed, criticized, attacked, or misunderstood, our nervous system reacts. We try to shield ourselves from perceived attack - whether that means explaining, excusing, or counterattacking. But in doing so, we often shut down the very empathy, understanding and connection our partner is seeking.
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How Defensiveness Shows Up
Many couples don’t even realize they’re being defensive. Here are a few common signs:
Responding to complaints with "That’s not true", "I did not mean it", "It was not my intention" or "But what about you?"
Correcting your partner instead of acknowledging their experience
Shifting the blame or minimizing your role
Feeling attacked, even when your partner is expressing a feeling, or ignoring the partner's non-verbal clues
Replaying the argument in your mind, focused on defending your intent
Not listening but forming a defensive statement
Defensiveness rarely resolves anything. Instead, it escalates conflict, silences vulnerability, and leaves both partners feeling unseen and invalidated.
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Why Defensiveness Hurts Connection
At its core, defensiveness says: "You’re wrong to feel what you feel." Even if that’s not the intention, that’s often how it lands. Over time, this creates a climate where it's not emotionally safe to share thoughts or opinions, pain or frustration. One partner withdraws: the other pushes harder. Both feel alone.
Empathy cannot thrive in a defensive space. When one partner is busy defending themselves, there's no room to hear or care about the other's emotional truth. The relationship becomes a battleground rather than a bond.
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The Roots of Defensiveness
Defensiveness often has deep emotional roots. Many of us learned early on that being wrong meant being punished, shamed, or unloved. So, we protect ourselves—consciously or unconsciously—by being "right."
But in a healthy relationship, being right is less important than being connected. Intimacy thrives on humility, openness, and curiosity. Learning to soften our defenses can radically change the tone and depth of a relationship.
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How to Move from Defensiveness to Connection
Active Listening
Slow down and try to understand the partner's point of view. Summarize what you just heard.
Pause and Breathe
When you feel that rise of tension or urge to defend - pause. Take a breath. Give yourself space to respond rather than react.
Acknowledge, Even if You Disagree
You don’t have to agree to acknowledge your partner’s feelings. Try: "I see that this upsets you. I want to understand more."
Own Your Part
Even if your intent was good, your impact might have hurt. Saying "I didn’t mean to, but I can see how that came across" goes a long way.
Be Curious, Not Combative
Ask questions. "Can you help me understand what felt hurtful about that?" shows you're engaged and open.
Practice Self-Compassion
Often, defensiveness is rooted in shame. The more compassion you show yourself, the less you’ll feel the need to guard yourself from others.
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What We Practice at the Retreat
At the Caribbean Couples Retreat, we dedicate time to helping couples understand and dismantle defensiveness. Through guided exercises, real-time coaching, and emotional attunement tools, couples learn how to stay present, open, and responsive—even in the face of conflict.
We focus on:
• Building emotional safety so partners can lower their shields
• Recognizing defensive patterns in the moment
• Using soft start-ups and reflective listening
• Turning hard moments into bonding moments
Couples often leave saying, "We used to argue to win. Now we talk to understand."
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Final Thoughts: Lower the Shield, Build the Bridge
Defensiveness is natural. But it doesn’t have to be the default.
When we learn to pause, listen, and stay curious, we create space for connection to flourish. It’s not about giving in - it’s about letting your partner in.
Let go of the need to be right. Embrace the courage to be real. That’s where intimacy lives.
The choice is yours: do you want to be right or happy?
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Ready to communicate with more clarity and care?
Join us at the Caribbean Couples Retreat and discover the tools that help couples drop their defenses and grow closer than ever.
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